


Contentment

by TealLuney



Series: Songs, If They Were in Prose [1]
Category: Pocket Monsters SPECIAL | Pokemon Adventures
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 15:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TealLuney/pseuds/TealLuney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>知足<br/>PY: zhī zú</p>
<p><em>- verb </em><br/>1. to be content with one's situation<br/>2. to know contentment<br/>3. note: associated with, but not synonymous with being happy </p>
<p> <span class="u"><em>3.5: actually, take it from me, it's not being happy at all</em></span></p>
            </blockquote>





	Contentment

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for checking this out :D
> 
> This fic was inspired by [知足 (Contentment) by 五月天 (Mayday)](https://youtu.be/_o0oeyCtoFA)! This is a... mandarin song... I'd be surprised if you've heard of it. This song is old, but it sticks with me because it brings so many memories for me, and I also just love the feel of the song haaa
> 
> If the lyrics sound awkward, it's because!! I'm not a translator!! (and the translations I found online were utter shite.) There are some possible double meanings that I've tried my best to put across in english, (any 'lyrics' in brackets aren't actually the lyrics of the song,) so I hope it turned out well!

_How do you own a rainbow?_

_How do you embrace a summer breeze?_

**~~~~**

Like any other person, Red could usually categorise his feelings into pre-set emotions: ‘happy’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ and the like. But there would always be a time where feelings would fit in somewhere in between.

And at that moment in time, Red was feeling a myriad of emotions that he couldn’t quite put into words. It was almost like seeing a rainbow proudly draped across the sky, or perhaps like going up to a warm, summer breeze, so close he could open out his arms and embrace it.

If it were owning a rainbow, then maybe it was like taking a photograph of one. A physical copy of sharp, crisp coloured streaks, though he knew that a picture like that would have to be hyper-realistic; in reality the colours blended very slightly at the edges, but perhaps that was also part of its beauty. Maybe, it was how he saw himself in the rainbow, in the crimson streak at the very top.

Then maybe, it could also be a photo of Gold, who was just as colourful and vivid in his nature, who was also as someone Red could see himself in; in heart, in soul, or even in the colour of his faded-red jacket. He would stand out from the snow white backgrounds of the mountaintop, especially when he would open his arms wide and laugh into the sky with joy. But the background would always be in an intentional blur, so that Gold easily became the main focus, Red’s only main focus. Red took no actual photos, but the photograph he snapped with his eyes and stored in his memory banks would stay there, for as long as he could.

If it were embracing a summer breeze, then perhaps Gold’s body warmth was just that. Mt Silver was constantly snowing, after all, and it was _cold_. Gold seemed to have already gotten used to the strong winds from the very start, but the high altitudes were still freezing cold by itself. So sometimes, the two of them would take short breaks from training, just to cuddle up inside small nooks and crannies within the mountain caves.

The physical contact was completely platonic, though. Just for comfort.

Then maybe, the summer breeze was the slow, calm breaths that Gold would take, that Red would notice because he was so close, and they would brush over his face, again and again, a few heart-stopping seconds at a time.

Maybe the rainbow was Gold’s radiant, everlasting smile, shining so brightly that the tiny raindrops willingly complied, even against the laws of light, just to transform his smile into a brilliant display of colour.

Maybe the summer breeze was the ripples of aura emanating from Gold, the purest sense of spirit and joy, but as gusts of wind, traces of aura he often left behind, in the form of scattered, haphazard compressions in the snow.

Maybe it was wrong to look at them separately. Maybe, the combination of both complex feelings was simply spelling out a very obvious word.

_Love._

_Mindlessly, foolishly, irrevocably in love._

With who else, other than the one sitting right beside him?

“Red,” said Gold suddenly, jolting Red out of a mindless trance.

“Yeah?” Red replied, quickly.

“Uh... Thanks, I guess.”

Red blinked. For a moment, he thought he had accidentally blinked forward in time. He could not, for the life of him, remember what they were talking about. Were they even talking at all?

“For what?” he asked, puzzled.

Gold focused his vision on nothing in particular, directly in front of him, staring at it silently as if deep in thought.

“...I don’t know,” he replied after a while.

Confused, with half of his thoughts still floating elsewhere, Red accepted the answer as if it were a legitimate one, nodding his head absentmindedly.

Gold laughed, and his breath, his warm, summer breeze, poured over his face for a fleeting moment. Red wanted to lean in a little further, just to catch a stronger gust, but realised that moving even an inch closer would put their faces incredibly close; they were already essentially in each other’s arms, after all.

There was a fine line between the friendly kind of intimate, and the romantic kind. Red didn’t dare risk crossing that line.

“...maybe being all intimate with you is making me sappy.” Gold winked, though in an obviously joking manner.

Red would have blushed, if his face wasn’t already a light shade of crimson from the cold. The unforgiving, chilling weather of Mt Silver was something Red had never truly overcome, even after years of training here. Red had to rely on Gold’s infinite body warmth in order to not freeze to death.

“Thanks for being here with me, I guess,” said Gold. “For... putting up me.”

“No.” Red was quick to disagree. “It’s not like that. I like your company.”

“Oh, really,” said Gold, laughing, though Red could tell it was strained. “First time’s anyone said that.”

Almost immediately, Red’s heart started aching. There was a permeating sadness in Gold’s words, and it made him want to squeeze it out of him. So he hugged the younger guy on instinct, protectively, within his arms and in his chest.

Gold sighed, contentedly.

“I like your hugs,” he half-whispered, closing his eyes.

That was enough to send Red floating on his way to cloud nine. The feeling was wonderful.

Gold looked up at his face, smiling gently. “Thanks for being such a great friend, Red. Really.”

Oh. That’s right.

Just _friends._

The bubble popped. Just as he was about to reach the warm, fluffy clouds, he was sent tumbling downwards, pulling him to the pit of his stomach. He almost felt sick.

But Gold was looking his way in such a kind, heartfelt manner, and he knew that was rare. So, obligingly, Red forced a smile in return.

**~~~~**

_The stars above laugh at the people down on Earth, for never understanding, never knowing what it means to b_ e

_content._

_(Or maybe, the stars aren’t laughing at the people, but at one person. Someone who doesn’t understand how to be content, who is probably the one standing in this very spot, right now.)_

_(It’s me. They’re laughing at me.)_

**~~~~**

Red preferred snow-covered rock grounds to grass, simply because the grass always seemed to have something against him, pricking his back and arms, smelling like soil, getting into every opening in his clothing. But he appreciated some things about it; he could lie on it for hours on end without fear of frostbite. So he did enjoy the occasional laze at sea level, especially up on the hill, in the evening when it was only just transitioning into night.

Another small thing he didn’t like about grass was that other people tended to be there too; he liked the peace and quiet up high in the mountains. Then again, that level of isolation tended to make Red a little antsy, which was why he only really liked training there when he was with Gold.

Now, at night, people were at home. It was quiet enough.

Red closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh air, except the grass smell quickly put him off. Sighing, he rolled to the side for a bit.

_Maybe I should get a girlfriend._

The thought seemed sudden – and ridiculous, because he didn’t even like girls – but at the time, his day had mainly consisted of his friends – the Kanto Dex Holders – bugging him about his love life over lunch. Really, it was only Blue who was harassing him about it, but Yellow seemed to be egging her on, and Green refused to be a part of the conversation and ignored Red’s pleas to defend him, so they were basically her accomplices.

And besides, it was more than just that one afternoon. Red couldn’t even recall the exact number of times he had a friend or a colleague or a neighbour confess to him, whether it was through text, phone call, old-fashioned paper notes or just straight-in-the-face.

He knew that there were some people who wondered why Red never accepted any of those confessions.

How could he, when he never wanted a girl in the first place? Granted, there were guys who confessed too, but that was besides the point. How could he choose _anyone_  he was only barely familiar with, when he had Gold?

How could one look at the boy from New Bark Town, and not be enamoured by his glistening, golden eyes, or captivated by the way his voice sung melodies in his ear whenever he uttered a word? How could one follow in his tracks, without admiring each nook and crease on the shirt on his back? How could one look at his hands and not feel the urge to gently caress them? How could he fall in love with someone else, when his heart already had another name deeply etched into it?

_Mindlessly, foolishly, irrevocably in love._

Loving him should make him happy to spend time with him like they always were.

But what if it wasn’t what he wanted?

The stars were cruel. In Red’s presence, they were aligned in a cross, as if heaven was restricting him from indulging in his love, the same way every red cross on a test paper stole away pieces of a grade. It stripped him of every last piece of his happiness, holding them right in front of his eyes, but forever out of reach.

Red could just feel the stars laughing down at him, a puny human – only held up by other puny humans, only adorned with lofty titles like “9th Pokémon League Champion” or “Pokédex Owner”, only made to feel like an indomitable hero when he truly was not. He realised his triviality, crushed down to size, once he realised the enormity of the night sky, and also the pointlessness of chasing a love he knew was doomed to never come true.

_‘Never, Red,’_  the stars seemed to laugh once more, pulsing in silent amusement.

Yet, right before Red’s mind had completely shut down from exhaustion, he blinked and looked right up at those gloating stars. Ironically, they were the only small dots of brightness in a dark, bleak sky. They were the glimmer of hope Red still kept in his heart.

Maybe Gold did like him back.

Maybe Gold was just scared, like he was.

_Maybe, maybe, maybe._  A thousand implausible ‘maybe’s added up into a whole reason’s worth of integrity to cling his hopes on. It was the only reason he could still see beauty in the twinkle of the stars. Barely.

Sighing one more time, Red closed his eyes, lulling into a deep sleep, on the scratchy grass, that somehow felt more accommodating than it ever did before.

**~~~~**

_If I fell in love with your radiant smile, then how do I collect it? How do I make it my own?_

_If I’m not the reason you’re happy, then the ability to let go of your hand,_

_will actually be a kind of ‘having’._

_(Because it’s probably the possession of something else, an intangible, perhaps of some other glorious, useless virtue.)_

**~~~~**

Red eventually decided that it didn’t matter.

As long as Gold was happy, he was happy.

Because he’d rather see Gold smiling with someone else, than uncomfortable and unhappy with him.

Because Gold’s smile was the source, and the very reason for his own.

**~~~~**

_When a gust of wind blows by, and the kites fly up into the sky,_

_For your sake,_ _I pray, and beg,_

_and I wish you happiness, (because it’s what I love so much about you,_ )

_and I’m moved to tears._

**~~~~**

***Years ago.

Red let Gold get ahead of him. It was an insignificant gesture, but seeing Gold pedal forward with so much gusto, as he attempted to catch up with his senior, made Red feel better just letting him pass. Maybe it was the big brother instinct in him that made him do so. He wasn’t sure, and he wasn’t particularly bothered.

They cycled in through the entrance of Mt. Silver. Red had done so plenty of times before, but it was the first time he was entering with Gold.

They eventually stopped somewhere slightly further in.

“So,” said the amber-eyed boy, who got off his bicycle and flashed a grin in his direction. “Teach me some of your sick moves, Red!”

“...eh?”

“Teach me how to fight,” he repeated, his eyes shimmering in excitement. “I wanna be as good as you are one day.”

“...what? You’re serious? You wanna train with me?” A second after saying so, Red quickly remembered why they were here in the first place.

“Well, yeah. Wasn’t that what we agreed on?”

Actually, Red had agreed to nothing. Gold simply dragged him away from his friends declaring that Red was his new mentor. Red wasn’t exactly opposed to the idea, but the responsibility of a disciple for the first time was disorienting for him.

“I mean, I don’t really know how to teach you,” said Red, with a hint of apology in his voice. “I’ve never had to teach someone how to train before.”

“...hey.” Gold shifted uncomfortably. “You can just say no, you know- actually, you shouldn’t even be saying that,” he huffed, folding his arms in outward dissatisfaction.

Red realised that Gold must have misinterpreted his words as a rejection. Before he was able to correct him, Gold was already speaking.

“You should be grateful for my help,” he added, rather impudently. “I saved you from a pretty sticky situation there. Surely I deserve some kind of repayment.”

“What? What situation?”

“Huh?” Gold eyed Red intently, as if searching for some sort of elusive, heavily-disguised sarcasm. Upon realising that there was none, he seemed taken aback. “You mean you didn’t... notice?”

“...notice what?”

“Oh, you know, the _romantic_  tension?” he drawled.

“Huh...? Romantic tension? When?”

There was a moment of shell-shocked silence.

“Are you being serious right now? Do you really not know?” said Gold, in a tentative, disbelieving voice. “Wow. You’re literally like one of those dumb harem game protagonists.”

“...harem?”

“ _Do you even know what a harem is._ ” Gold’s voice was deadpan, and slightly exasperated.

“Uh... it’s some hentai thing, right...?”

Gold felt like he was talking to a brick wall. He was this close to completely losing all respect for his senior.

He took in a quick, deep breath. _”Red–”_

In a fit of frustration, Gold barely got a word out before dropping all of his Pokéballs. He did it in such a non-dramatic, genuine way that Red actually found it funny, but was too scared to laugh.

“There,” said Gold, pointing at the Pokéballs in mock accusation. “That’s our friendship right there. On the ground and ruined forever.”

“I-I’m sorry,” said Red, sounding at least half-serious as he panicked. “I mean, I kind of know what it is, but...”

Gold laughed. “I’m kidding, Red. The balls aren’t actually ruined anyway. Lucky you...”

Gold’s laughter was infectious. Red began to chuckle too, and then he smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

“Don’t worry, I’ll recap it for ya, kay?” said Gold amiably, before suddenly switching his voice into dramatic announcer mode. “In the last episode of Pokémon Misadventures, Red fails to realise that he’s got multiple girls head-over-heels in love with him. He sets off a series of self-destructing tension in the room, before Gold, the brave hero, swoops in to save the day under the clever pretence of training under him!

“Though, I do really want to train with ya,” he added, switching back to his ordinary, offhanded voice.

“...oh, okay.” Honestly, Red wasn’t all that surprised.

“Don’t ‘oh, okay’ me,” said Gold in a snarky tone, though with a non-hostile smile. “That’s a freaking achievement. _I_  want girls head-over-heels for _me_.”

Red simply shrugged. It wasn’t like it mattered all that much; he wasn’t really interested in girls in the first place.

“But hey, let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about my lessons.”

Red gawked at the word.

“I’ll try to teach you, I guess,” he said with a small smile. “But I honestly don’t know how.”

“Hm... I can watch you train first,” suggested Gold. “Maybe I’ll learn something that way.”

“Ah, okay then...”

***

**~~~~**

_Your silhouette finally disappears into the crowd,_

_And only then did I realise, that smiling, but crying at the same time,_

_Is the most painful_.

**~~~~**

Oh, how the tables have turned. Sometimes Red wished he was the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed youngster he was, back when everything seemed simple enough, when he didn’t have to bother with love, when he wasn’t old enough to be subjected to the subtle pressure to find a lover. That was when Gold seemed to know all the things about it, that was when he learnt them from him.

But now that adolescence had taken over, Red felt like it simply put even more stress. It wasn’t even just romance or love anymore. It was sex. It was, being a hormonal, homosexual man, wanting to find someone who could fulfill him in _that_  way, but also in a ‘meaningful’ way. It didn’t make sense. Adult life didn’t make sense.

So what Red really, truly wanted was Gold. He didn’t just want his attention, his friendship, or even just his love. He wanted _him_ , to own a part of, if not _all_  of him.

But he also wanted to be content. He had hugs, sleepovers, deep conversations. It was more than what most people could get from their crushes, and certainly should’ve been more than enough for him.

But he didn’t know how to be content.

It was never enough. It couldn’t ever be enough. He constantly wanted more, more body contact, more attention, more affection. So it wasn’t a surprise to him when he started staring at Gold more, sometimes staring longingly at his lips, catching himself with a dirty thought on more than one occasion.

But it came as a shock to Gold, who was lazing about on his own bed, when his senior from beside him had pressed his lips onto his.

Red’s vision went fuzzy. The moment he inhaled Gold scent, which washed over him in violent waves, he couldn’t help but want more. More and more. Gold didn’t react or say anything - in fact, he was unnaturally still - but something had turned off in Red’s mind, at the same time as when something else had turned on.

Red felt Gold struggle, but suddenly, he didn’t even care. He forced Gold down onto the bed, felt Gold suck in a sharp breath, and that seemed to knock him back into his normal state of mind for even a second.

“R-red...” Gold murmured, suppressing a moan. “Please... stop...”

He was conscious enough to pull his lips away from Gold’s, and saw the fear and confusion in his eyes. It took the sudden realisation, and yet every fibre of self-control in his body to pull himself away completely.

Immediately, his consciousness flickered back on at full blast, and the weight of what he had done came crashing down on him.

“Fuck,” gasped Red, “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t, I didn’t mean to...”

Red buried his head in his hands, frighteningly silent. He felt like an asshole; like a terrible, terrible human being, and he felt like shit. He couldn’t even bring himself to raise his head. Thoughts raced through his mind: why had he done that, what does Gold think of him now, and how could he ever face him again?

From the silence, Red suddenly heard a small chuckle.

“Hey, it’s cool,” said Gold, his voice as free and easy as it had always been. “I understand. You know, when you suddenly get those urges that you can’t control. Maybe it’s my fault for laying right next to you, in a bed, like... what did I expect, honestly.”

“No, I shouldn’t have done it either way,” said Red, softly. “I nearly _raped_  you.”

“No!” Gold protested, but somehow in Red’s defence. “I’m not that weak, you know, I can like, push you off me or something. I mean...” Gold furrowed his eyebrows. “I was scared, you were my friend, and... I thought I was losing you, man.”

“Shit, I’m... I nearly ruined everything, didn’t I... _fuck..._ ”

Gold raised his eyebrows, with an expression that said he realised he probably shouldn’t have said what he did.

“Red, it’s okay, I’m still okay, right? We all have those moments. Don’t sweat it.”

“I...” Red felt bad that Gold was being so forgiving towards him.

“Don’t worry, we’re still friends. We can still hug and chill. No hard feelings.” Gold flashed a comforting smile at his partner.

Red almost felt better.

“No, really. Have a hug,” said Gold, who then leaned in and attempted to form his body into some shape capable of enveloping Red in a hug. But something made him jerk back, hesitant to make a move.

“...on second thought,” he murmured, “Maybe you don’t want me doing anything right now when you’re...”

Red must have visibly winced at that remark, because a look of guilt washed over Gold’s face in an instant.

“No, you know what, nevermind,” he continued, quickly wrapping Red in a tight and comforting hug.

_Same as always._

Red’s arms stretched out awkwardly behind him, before finally finding a way to hug him back.

“Dumbass,” Gold chuckled, as he hugged Red tighter. “By the way, that kiss was rad.”

That did not make Red feel any better.

**~~~~**

_On that day, when you and I were on that mountain, and we sang that year’s song like that,_

_That kind of memory is enough_.

_It contents me so much that, for the rest of my days,_

_all that I can feel, and all that my lips can taste,_

_is my loneliness._

**~~~~**

***

“Fuck, Red! I can’t do this!”

Gold violently turned away from him, heading off. Red quickly grabbed onto his arm, attempting to hold onto him, but was brusquely shaken off.

Gold stomped heavily over a short distance, sitting himself down with a loud thump.

“Why am I still doing this, Red?” he cried, burying his head in palmed hands. “It’s not like my Pokémon can’t listen to me. I’m just a bad trainer...”

Red ran over to him, the squatting slowly in front of his sitting figure, desperately wanting to comfort him, but his mouth felt too numb to utter even a single word.

“I can’t do it. I can’t do anything. I’m just some shitty brat born with a silver spoon in his mouth. No one’s ever trusted me with anything ‘cause I’m a piece of shit.”

“No,” said Red, softly. “That’s not true.”

“Prove it,” challenged Gold, coating his words with spite. “Tell me, Champion, tell how I’m actually worth anything to you!”

“You don’t need to feel like you aren’t. Because you _are_  worth a lot to me.”

Red couldn’t pin-point the exact reason why, but whenever he was around Gold, he would subconsciously smile, there would suddenly be a spring in his step, and his mood would immediately lift. Gold had that effect on people, to a certain extent even for those who found him annoying.

It was because his constant happy, easy-going mood was contagious. And now that it was replaced with agony and frustration, that seemed to be contagious too.

Gold looked up at Red, eyes shimmering with tears.

“Why are you still helping me?” he whispered, choking on a sob. “I only bring you down.”

“No...” Red shook his head at nothing in particular. “Gold, I don’t train with someone just because they’re good, or that they need to be, I just...”

It simply had not mattered. Red wanted to explain the concept of the inherent worth that existed in every living human being on Earth to him, but couldn’t find the words to construct such a complex meaning. He was no philosopher, nor was he a literature student.

Instead, he did the alternative thing.

Red hugged Gold.

Red kneeled on the ground, his warm arms enveloping the younger boy. No malicious thoughts. No ulterior motives. Just the pure intention of telling Gold everything was going to be alright, that he was worth it no matter what, that he cared about him.

Forcing back another sob, Gold leaned into him. His hands slowly crept onto Red’s back, and then slid across around his waist, squeezing Red’s body, holding it closer to his own.

Red’s heart stopped for a moment. Gold’s fingers sent sparks straight into his heart. The feeling transcended words. It made Red want to say, _“_ _Gold, please, I want-”_  and then just stop, because he didn’t know what it was that he wanted.

Feeling awkward and suddenly self-conscious, he pulled away, avoiding eye contact with the younger boy.

Gold tilted his head up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just...” Red attempted to express himself yet again, but words still failed him.

Gold chuckled, wiping away a tear. “Why? Anything wrong with two guys hugging? Unless, you’re uncomfortable with it, which is probably not true since you’re the one who started it.”

“No,” replied Red, with a small smile. “I like it, Gold. I like it a lot.”

***

**~~~~**

_When a gust of wind blows by, the kites will fly up into the sky,_

_And for your sake,_

_I pray,_

_and I wish you happiness,_

_and I’m moved to tears._

**~~~~**

“Hey Red, I need some advice.”

Red blinked once at Gold. Advice? From someone like him? Pokémon battle advice? Training advice?

“You know when you, uh, _like-like_  someone?”

Red nodded his head numbly.

“How do I confess to them if I’m not sure they like me back? Should I look confident? Or will that scare them off? Maybe I should be shyer or something?”

Seeing Red’s blank expression, Gold couldn’t help but laugh.

“What made me think it was a good idea to ask you?” he chuckled. “Nevermind.”

“Why are you asking me?” Red only asked one question, but in his mind swirled a thousand more. What did Gold need the advice for? Why go to him? Was he planning on confessing to someone?

“Well, I wanted a second opinion, I guess,” said Gold, with a small, casual smile.

“But I thought you were good at this sort of thing,” said Red. “Romance stuff, I mean.”

“Well,” shrugged Gold, “I’ve never had to openly confess to someone. It was always the other way round.”

_Should I have confessed, then?_

Red brushed that thought away. It was already far too late to consider something like that.

Gold obviously had a crush on someone. And Red knew that it probably wasn’t him.

**~~~~**

_Your silhouette finally disappears into a vast sea._

_And it was only then that I realised,_

_Laughing, but crying at the same time,_

_Is the worst kind of pain._

**~~~~**

Red decided to visit Gold that day. He had nothing going on at the time, and he knew Gold wouldn’t be out of town. A trip to New Bark Town seemed like a good way to calm his strained nerves, caused by the past few days of endless work.

The town was small, but spacious as it would be. It reminded him of Pallet Town, with its small community and its happy, laidback residents. The only difference would be in the strong winds, indicative by the many wind turbines that were dotted around the town, and the New Bark accent he had grown familiar with from Gold. It sent shivers down his back whenever he heard someone intonate a word the same way Gold would.

Strangely, the place felt like home.

Red knew Gold’s address, so it wasn’t too difficult asking for directions, given that the House of Pokémon was pretty famous around town.

He turned a corner, hearing a familiar voice – he realised it was Gold’s.Excitedly, he ran forward, but quickly stopped in his tracks when he saw Gold there, with–

Someone else.

For a moment, it didn’t register in his mind how close the two were standing, murmuring something to each other, their eyes meeting for a brief moment but then looking away shyly.

Then it clicked.

Gold must have said something funny, because then they both laughed. And they were heartfelt, genuinely happy laughs, ones that made Red’s heart ache with venom.

Smiling, and deeply blushing, Gold leaned in, until their lips were nearly touching.

_No, no, no!_

Fingers tugged at Gold’s raven hair, pulling him closer.

_No, not now, why does it have to be now?_

He had completely run out of time or energy to deal with this. He just wanted to have a good time, just to see Gold’s face. So  _why?_

_Why them? Not me?_

Then his mind went completely blank, devoid of all emotion. Wordlessly, he turned around, walking out of the pathway, straight back to where he walked here from.

And, like everything else had always done, he felt the world crashing down on him. Again.

**~~~~**

_If I fell in love with your radiant smile,_

_How do I collect it? How do I make it my own?_

_But if I’m not the reason for that beautiful smile,_

_Then opening my palm_

_(and letting you go)_

_Is another kind of ‘having’._

**~~~~**

Red went to Mt Silver again, standing at the peak overlooking the region, but this time, Gold wasn’t with him.

He had gone out with his new lover. Again.

Red had to accept it. Gold simply no longer had as much time for him, his presence was being replaced by someone who obviously meant much more to him than Red was.

It _hurt._

But at least Gold was happy. That was what really mattered, right?

Gold wouldn’t have had been happy with him, but he knew that if he really tried, if he just said  _something-_

It was so clearly futile thinking about it now.

The view from Mt Silver was simple, but never bland. It was everlasting. It was loyal to him, and showed him every side of it that it could present itself with. He wanted to stare into the faded whiteness forever. His legs couldn’t move, even if he had wanted to take a few more steps forward, off the edge, and rid himself of the pain. They were frozen in place.

Memories flooded his head. Pleasant memories of spending time with Gold. Memories of a romance that could have bloomed, but was cut off before it even had the chance to.

Why hadn’t he said anything to Gold? Why hadn’t he confessed? Why had he been so fucking scared of nothing at all?!

_It wasn’t fair._

He opened his mouth to scream. Every vulgarity he could think of sat at the back of his mouth, refusing to come out only because he wasn’t used to them ever being there before. No one else had to know, but the vast landscape of sky, just like the vast sea that Gold had faded into, holding his lover’s hand. It would be like raging at the sea, for engulfing the one he loved. For taking him away from him.

But it only came out as a tired, pitiful sob. He couldn’t do it. He was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to close his eyes, but whenever he did, all he would see was Gold.

Angry at his pathetic incompetence, he screamed again.

His voice rang in his ears, but the snow and howling wind sucked out the power in his voice. Now, he tried to stop, but he found himself unable to stop screaming, unable to stop throwing his agony at an inanimate background.

Every unspoken word poured out through tears, because now they trickled down his face, hitting the ground and freezing in the frigid weather. And they just kept falling and falling. He fell to the ground too, clutching his heaving body, wanting to stop but still found himself crying uncontrollably.

It was fine. There was nothing for him to be so upset about. Gold was fine, Red didn’t lose him.

And yet, in every sense of the word, he felt like he did.

He lost a chance. A chance that could possibly cost him for life. He lost Gold’s love to someone else, who was apparently more worthy than he was. He lost hope.

He laughed at himself, for all the nothing that his grief was worth, and all that did was wrench his heart even more. It was painful. It was so unbearably painful, because the tears weren’t stopping either.

He knew it wasn’t the end of the world, but he was having a really hard time with not feeling that way.

**~~~~**

_That so-called happiness that comes from being content_

_tells me to endure the pain._

**Author's Note:**

> I was clutching at my heart for deAR LIFE
> 
> ...I hope I got the pacing right. I wanted to build up all the emotions and feelings Red feels so you get why everything suddenly comes crashing down, even though he'd already expected it to turn out this way. Knowing it was only a matter of when it would happen, but still feeling immeasurable grief. Accepting fate, knowing you need to be content with what you have but sometimes, it's just so hard.
> 
> I also wanted to bring about the idea of unspeakable feelings, ones that are so big and much greater than the person that it can't even be put into words. It's a really interesting and big idea and I wanna see more people have their own take on it!
> 
> It's a little predictable, but hey,
> 
> (this is war, ethanol)  
>  ~~hey, it kinda rhymes~~  
>  (Honestly, big thanks to originxlshipping for convincing me to do this thing)
> 
> Oh! I have an idea! Suggest songs for me to listen and I'll make into a fic if it inspires me! (i'd love you forever if you do that. ;~;)


End file.
